Bittersweet

Yes, I know it's been a while... again!  But for those of you who harass me about not writing, PLEASE!  Sometimes I have to actually LIVE in these blessings I write about.  ;P  And sometimes I'm just a little bit overwhelmed with my life.  Not complaining.  Just dead honest. 

Anyway, back to my chosen title.  Bittersweet.  Here's what the dictionary says,

bit·ter·sweet

   /adj. ˌbɪtərˈswit, ˈbɪtərˌswit; n. ˈbɪtərˌswit/ Show Spelled[adj. bit-er-sweet, bit-er-sweet; n. bit-er-sweet] Show IPA

adjective

1.

both bitter and sweet to the taste: bittersweet chocolate.

2.

both pleasant and painful or regretful: a bittersweet memory

It is the most accurate way to describe my most recent life experiences and those of our family household.  Both BITTER and SWEET.  Both PLEASANT and PAINFUL.

My big boy has grown up and moved on.   We knew it was coming.  We planned for it's coming.  We'd even hoped and prayed for it's coming...  But honey, let me tell you something.  That DOES NOT make it easier. 

I have never felt such mixed emotions in all of my life.  Thrilled, yet shattered.  Wanting to squeal, then sob.  Dance and praise before the Father... and kneel in brokenness at His feet...  Whew!  What a ride.  Yeah.... and throw in some prego hormones and I could probably be admitted into a psych ward. 

Some don't understand...  It's not that I'll miss him (though I will) or that we just won't see each other that often (though we won't).  It's that it will never be the same again!  This season, this chapter, this part of his life... the one where Mama is actually really needed...  will never be the same again.  Now I know that he'll always need me.  But let's be honest, it's different.  He is a grown man now, pursuing his dreams and goals.  And I am the woman who spent almost every single day of his life (minus about 4 years, kinder-2 and an extra senior yr) training, correcting, cheering, discipling, talking (sometimes loudly), reading aloud, memorizing scripture with, disagreeing with, researching with, sometimes crying with, and usually laughing with.  We have climbed the mountains together and we've definitely seen the valley together too.  This is the kid that was born to me as I was still having to grow up...  So bless him, he's been the one that had to deal the most with all my imperfections as a Mama.  I carried him in my womb for almost 42 weeks.  I labored for almost 18 hours to bring him into the world.  I pushed for 4 hours and he broke his collarbone making his entrance.  I have always stayed at home to care for him.  Sometimes with great financial sacrifice, sometimes in the face of others' disapproval.  We began homeschooling him in the 3rd grade.  We have been together most days of the week, most weeks of the years, most years of his life for 19 and 1/2 years.  I have hurt him, wounded him, discouraged him, and made him just a little bit (ha!) angry a few times.  I have repented, and repented, and repented.  And he has forgiven, and forgiven, and forgiven.  I am the Mama.  He is the firstborn son.  We have a bond that is extraordinary.  So... saying goodbye hurts. 

I'll admit though that I began this grieving process months ago.  Here and there a few tears leaked down my face...  So I have not had a torrential downpour, but just moments that I've had to ask the Father for some MORE grace to endure it and keep smiling.  I have not been caught off guard by my own pain.  But I WAS caught off guard by the pain of the precious other ones.  Our very last Family Worship time with all of us around the table, eating, laughing, sharing, taking communion, and yes, crying our words of blessing over Taylor.  I knew my big girls (his little sisters) would feel sad, and I knew his Daddy would have a moment (or 2) that might bring him to his knees, but I did not expect the gut-wrenching moment of Taylor and Joshua saying goodbye... both with hands on each side of the others' face, both with tears spilling over...  UGH.  There's just no getting around that one.

Bitter.  And sweet.  Bitter because it hurts.  Sweet for 2 reasons.  #1,We are over-the-top, thrilled, squealing, jumping up and down, shout for joy, praising God, EXCITED for this big boy!  Wooohooo!  How wonderful that God's plans and dreams for him are moving forward!  And reason #2 is that I would be devastated if we lived in a family that cared any less for each other than ours does.  I mean, if you are bonded with the love and blood of Jesus, and you are a healthy, strong family, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE SAD TO SAY GOODBYE?!  I left him in a dorm full of college football players last Friday and I wondered...  how many of those young men aren't sad at all to leave their families behind?  And how many family members aren't all that sad to see them go?  So, I say, THANK YOU JESUS for this sob that's welling up my throat as I say goodbye to the end of an era. Our family adores our Big Boy.  We will miss him.  Now.... the fridge and the pantry are actually full... and that's kinda nice.  ;)